Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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