I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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