why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
