Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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