on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We need to get me chipped asap
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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