One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
