the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
