Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
