A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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