You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
