I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
