C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
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