I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
