Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
