hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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