So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
