Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
