the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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