fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
