I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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