I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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