I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
