you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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