I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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