Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
this hospital has no fireball
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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