I'm pants shitting drunk right now
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
