WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
