I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
