Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
