Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i think i have two assholes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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