Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
