John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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