I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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