When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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