Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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