You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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