I just pynch a tree in the face
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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