who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
