and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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