make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
