everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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