I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
