I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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