Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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