Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
