cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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