Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
