im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
