I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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