I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
