She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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