oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
