Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
