no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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